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Notes to Machines

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[20 Dec 2009|11:39pm]

Dear laptop at work

WHHHHY?!?!?!?!? have you started not turning on?

I tried to turn you on on Thursday so I could work on the essay for Friday and you wouldn't turn on. THe power light turned green, you'd make some whirring sounds, then the power light would flicker and turn off.

I need you to *stop* doing that, seriously. There are too many things that I need to do on you for you to break on me now, and I don't want to have to use the other laptop at work seeing as that one gets used for everything in work!

Pleeeeeeeeease work on Monday. Please?!
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[02 Dec 2009|10:21am]

[ mood | groggy ]

Dear laptop at home.

You are a wonderful laptop, you really are. You were bought for me just when I needed you and you are incredibly useful and, yay, wireless that works.

HOWEVER!!! If you do not stop doing things that don't make any sense I swear I'm going to throw you out and buy a brand new one from a proper laptop shop and then we'll see who's best!

Oh, and your new trick of NOT TURNING ON when I press the power button isn't funny. It wasn't funny when you decided to suddenly start decharging despite being plugged in, and it wasn't funny when you randomly decided that you were going to stop writing CDs and claiming that all of the blank CDs I put into you were full.

And while I'm at it, that other new trick of yours, you know, that one where you seem to think that you can't open my flash drive, REALLY not good. Stop it.


Dear laptop at work

... I wish there was more I could say that you do wrong. Stop being better than my home laptop. Though I would appreciate it if you would actually let me do things using the Ctr key more than one at a time. I like being able to select lines/sections of text quickly, not having to let go of the Ctr key between each one. (if you could find a way of somehow rewriting Windows so that it is XP rather than vista, that would be good too)


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Other Community You May Like [09 Nov 2008|03:01am]

I can't promise anyone anything, but people who like this forum (especially those who enjoy writing the more positive 'notes') may enjoy this place:


The above forum is about personifying things, or creating things who are easy to personify... I suppose the forum can be described as one themed around 'blurring the lines' between humans and human creations...
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Dear HVAC system at work... [06 Oct 2008|08:07pm]

You're Doing that funny thing you Do again :-)

You're speeding up and slowing down your airflow above my head for absolutely no obvious reason :-)

I so want to know what you are thinking right now :-) There must be some reason why you like or think you need to Do this :-)

Pleasant Day to You :-)

- Dave
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[18 Sep 2008|12:44am]

Dear Marie (the 3 elevators where I live),

I really truly enjoy the 7 years that we've known each other :-). I enjoy all the strange and amusing things I have seen you do...

I love the occasional skipping of my floor, showing the wrong floor on your displays, the time you closed and reopened your doors three times in a row for absolutely no reason :-), the time all three of you arrived twice in the same day at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME!, the time you randomly flashed your call buttons off and on for no reason, the list goes on and on and on :-)

I truly love you for keeping my otherwise boring life extremely interesting....

Please never change :-)

With True Love,

Marie has

This image is a Laud button.  Clicking this will tell you how many other users love this item.
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Why you evil little... [11 Sep 2007|05:52pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

Dear Computer,

THE CD WORKS. BOOT FROM IT. I have used it on four other machines today and I took it out of you and used it on my own workstation! The damn thing works and so does your CD/DVD-ROM drive so excuse me for the stupid question but WHAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM? I need you to boot from this fucking CD so that I can put an image on you from Ghost. You may not like that but TOUGH SHIT, it's GONNA HAPPEN.

Your purpose is to go to a happy little state park ranger station in rural Florida so that computer illiterate idiots can abuse you and the harsh weather with inadequate protection can beat you down. Trust me, it's all downhill from here and I'm the best hands that you're going to be in. So PLEASE boot from the fucking CD because if you don't, I will have to mess around with your innards or perhaps influence you with a heavy blunt object. In other words, I will be significantly meaner to you than I normally am. It's not worth it. Just accept your assimilation with dignity and maybe I'll send you to one of the parks that isn't manned entirely by douchebags.

The chick with the screwdriver

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Dear $50,000 printer [13 Mar 2007|03:12pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

You are nearly top of the line for your duty cycle range...

You are brand new...

Please stop breaking.

Please stop using an insane amount of toner cartridges.

P.S. - If you could please print gradients properly and stop freaking out when we try to send something RGB instead of CMYK, that would be grand.

No love,

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I feel like the Captial One commercials with David Spade [21 Feb 2007|11:29am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Dearest Virtual Desktop in use for email search,

I just want to print the effing emails and their attachments. I realize that this will mean opening the attachments in their appropriate programs. Opening only! Not changing! I want the documents AS THEY ARE, as per my boss.

As such, NO, I don't want you to save any changes...not that I made any!

NO, I don't want you to update the spreadsheet function calculations! First of all -- update them with what, exactly? As stated previously, I'VE MADE NO CHANGES. What about "I WANT THE DOCUMENT AS-IS!" do you not fucking compute? Second of all -- how is this pertinent to printing the damn thing?

And NO, there is no issue with network connectivity to the printer, nor is there an issue with memory. Stop lying to me with these errors!

We have a metric assload of messages to go. Stop stalling with your B.S. and go already! These documents are for legal purposes and I'm under fire here. Shut up and print! Either that, or get a fucking clue and start prompting me with a "No to All" button.

Absolutely no love,
The temp who doesn't have the patience for this garbage when mountains of paperwork must be produced by the end of the day.

P.S. In case it wasn't clear the first 239847359 times,



Dear Printer,

You are a (supposedly) state-of-the-art piece of machinery so quit your bitching (Paper Jam OHNOES!!!11) and get to work. Make yourself worth the undoubtedly thousands of dollars that this company spent on you before I use one of your bretheren and disrupt the entire floor.

Eat me,
The same disgruntled temp.
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but...but...it worked four days ago... [10 Jul 2006|08:32am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Dear Laptop,

Considering the many projects that involve your services on a regular basis, I had only a rather light workload for you tonight. I wanted music and IM. The simple pleasures, you know.

I do not know what in the holy hell has caused this, but plugging headphones into the jack clearly labeled with a pair of headphones no longer does what it ought to. In fact, it does nothing. My music continues to come out in shitty quality through your speakers. Speakers on a laptop are not usually designed for sound quality, so things like thrash metal sound a bit tinny and are missing the midrange and bass unless I pipe it through my beautiful stereo headphones.

I have not abused you enough for this yet. You are not even 6 months old. I just want my damn music through my damn headphones and I don't have an iPod or similar device because I don't often have hundreds of dollars floating around for pleasure purchases.

*sigh* I don't want to have to fix your headphone jack, but this has the potential to annoy me enough to do so. If someone has been abusing you, I wish you would tell me. Otherwise, this small bit of hardware damage is a mystery to me.


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Dear Computer [20 Jun 2006|09:43pm]

You look really cute now that your all tweaked. Inside (clean/new OS installs, new ram and new psu) and outside(new case with a funky blue side fan/clear panel and glowy blue eyes). Please behave now...

Dear Windows:

Please when chkdisk is done quit the reboot loop. I don't want to have to fix you every time I run defrag followed by scandisk.

Dear Fedora:

I want flash back please. I'm tired of it trying to launch fd0:// or giving me puzzle peices. Why isn't java working it's installed. *sigh*

Note to router and firewall:

Thank you kept the bugs out and in depending on how you look at it. I must remember to scan a file before clicking it. First time I've ever infected my little alien baby with viri by clicking a unscanned item. :P
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Dear monitor, [05 Jun 2006|01:11pm]

I know you are at least 10 years old and have seen me through 3 computers, and tons of upgrades.
It's OK to blink on and off sometimes, but please don't die until next week. I can't take computer deprivation after all these years. When the internet connection went down one day I was insane. I'm such a junkie if I had no computering at all I would need a doctor. Please live. I love you.
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[31 May 2006|04:22pm]

Dear mouse with the chewed cord,

Work! Work, work, work! And when I say work, I don't mean work for 30 seconds and then stop working, I mean work ALL the time! I know the cat chewed through the cord, but I also know that I can't afford a new mouse for another month or so. You're spliced to the best of my abilities. Just WORK!

No love,

Dear left mouse button on the laptop touchpad,

You should also work! I don't know what your problem is, but because you won't work, I'm forced to use a chewed on mouse. When I click you, just open the damn program and I can move on with my life. But nooooooo. The scroll button doesn't work either, but the right mouse button is just fine. I hate you all, but not as much as I hate customer service at Gateway so you can stay broken until the end of time for all I care.

No love for you either,
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[24 Mar 2006|01:07pm]

Dear oven:

I know my food is ready. I will be there in a moment. Now stop your nagging beeping, before I rip your little knobs off.

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Printer [20 Mar 2006|11:47pm]

Dear Printer,
How do pens and pencils get in the back of you to cause paper jams? I just thought I'd ask, because I don't recall ever putting either near where they could get sucked in. Do you like the taste of writing implements?

That said, please do not eat the pens and pencils anymore. I understand you like the taste of them, but 1. It's a pain to unjam the paper when a pen is stuck there too and 2. It worries me that someday a pen or pencil will slip in there and damage your wires, and make you unusable, and I don't have the time, money, or inclination to buy a new printer now or anytime in the foreseeable future.

Your owner
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*sigh* [09 Mar 2006|01:06am]

Hey, IRC server.

I'd really like to get in tonight.

I have no idea why I seem to be getting kicked every time I try to join the channel.

I get more done if I have a group of bright, like-minded people about. Even if I'm not doing much.

the Loonie
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Qworst. [06 Feb 2006|11:41pm]

Qwest IVR, you asshat.

You are a finicky bit of shit spread on strings, and I do not like you. I was almost through paying my bill via phone when I sneezed, and that upset your kludged-up workings so badly that you hung up on me.


No love,
the customer
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[30 Jan 2006|07:18pm]

[ mood | pissed off, but horny ]

To my DSL:

Thanks a lot, you piece of junk!  You worked PERFECTLY fine earlier...why did you wait until the boy and I were in the middle of something perfectly indecent that we haven't had nearly enough time for lately given that we live on opposite coasts to break down, and make me take 45 minutes to resurrect you?!

You ruined my night.  Thanks to the length of time I had to spend messing with you trying to fix you, he disappeared on me, and because of the 3 hour time difference, I think it's probably too late for him to come back.

You cost me the ONE thing I was looking forward to tonight.  F*** you.

No love,

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toaster [22 Jan 2006|10:32am]

[ mood | downtrodden ]

dear toaster,

please do not electrocute me at 9 o'clock on a sunday morning, especially when i have a hangover.
your co-operation in the matter is greatly appreciated.

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urrrrg! [07 Nov 2005|10:20am]

[ mood | frustrated ]

dear photoshop cs clone stamp,
why dont you work!!! ughhh!
no love

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[26 Oct 2005|01:06pm]

dear photoshop cs @ my schools computer lab,
you suck. why wont you work when i want you to work? why is it that you only work when my teacher uses you? he even erased what he did and let me try and you still didnt work!!!! you better work properly on monday when i have class again. seriously..i sat there in class like an ass not knowing why you arent working right. again, you suck.
i hate you.
ps.you seriously better work on monday.
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