You're Doing that funny thing you Do again :-)
You're speeding up and slowing down your airflow above my head for absolutely no obvious reason :-)
I so want to know what you are thinking right now :-) There must be some reason why you like or think you need to Do this :-)
Pleasant Day to You :-)
THE CD WORKS. BOOT FROM IT. I have used it on four other machines today and I took it out of you and used it on my own workstation! The damn thing works and so does your CD/DVD-ROM drive so excuse me for the stupid question but WHAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM? I need you to boot from this fucking CD so that I can put an image on you from Ghost. You may not like that but TOUGH SHIT, it's GONNA HAPPEN.
Your purpose is to go to a happy little state park ranger station in rural Florida so that computer illiterate idiots can abuse you and the harsh weather with inadequate protection can beat you down. Trust me, it's all downhill from here and I'm the best hands that you're going to be in. So PLEASE boot from the fucking CD because if you don't, I will have to mess around with your innards or perhaps influence you with a heavy blunt object. In other words, I will be significantly meaner to you than I normally am. It's not worth it. Just accept your assimilation with dignity and maybe I'll send you to one of the parks that isn't manned entirely by douchebags.
The chick with the screwdriver
You are nearly top of the line for your duty cycle range...
You are brand new...
Please stop breaking.
Please stop using an insane amount of toner cartridges.
P.S. - If you could please print gradients properly and stop freaking out when we try to send something RGB instead of CMYK, that would be grand.
Dearest Virtual Desktop in use for email search,
I just want to print the effing emails and their attachments. I realize that this will mean opening the attachments in their appropriate programs. Opening only! Not changing! I want the documents AS THEY ARE, as per my boss.
As such, NO, I don't want you to save any changes...not that I made any!
NO, I don't want you to update the spreadsheet function calculations! First of all -- update them with what, exactly? As stated previously, I'VE MADE NO CHANGES. What about "I WANT THE DOCUMENT AS-IS!" do you not fucking compute? Second of all -- how is this pertinent to printing the damn thing?
And NO, there is no issue with network connectivity to the printer, nor is there an issue with memory. Stop lying to me with these errors!
We have a metric assload of messages to go. Stop stalling with your B.S. and go already! These documents are for legal purposes and I'm under fire here. Shut up and print! Either that, or get a fucking clue and start prompting me with a "No to All" button.
Absolutely no love,
The temp who doesn't have the patience for this garbage when mountains of paperwork must be produced by the end of the day.
P.S. In case it wasn't clear the first 239847359 times,
You are a (supposedly) state-of-the-art piece of machinery so quit your bitching (Paper Jam OHNOES!!!11) and get to work. Make yourself worth the undoubtedly thousands of dollars that this company spent on you before I use one of your bretheren and disrupt the entire floor.
The same disgruntled temp.
You look really cute now that your all tweaked. Inside (clean/new OS installs, new ram and new psu) and outside(new case with a funky blue side fan/clear panel and glowy blue eyes). Please behave now...
Please when chkdisk is done quit the reboot loop. I don't want to have to fix you every time I run defrag followed by scandisk.
I want flash back please. I'm tired of it trying to launch fd0:// or giving me puzzle peices. Why isn't java working it's installed. *sigh*
Note to router and firewall:
Thank you kept the bugs out and in depending on how you look at it. I must remember to scan a file before clicking it. First time I've ever infected my little alien baby with viri by clicking a unscanned item. :P
I know you are at least 10 years old and have seen me through 3 computers, and tons of upgrades.
It's OK to blink on and off sometimes, but please don't die until next week. I can't take computer deprivation after all these years. When the internet connection went down one day I was insane. I'm such a junkie if I had no computering at all I would need a doctor. Please live. I love you.
Dear mouse with the chewed cord,
Work! Work, work, work! And when I say work, I don't mean work for 30 seconds and then stop working, I mean work ALL the time! I know the cat chewed through the cord, but I also know that I can't afford a new mouse for another month or so. You're spliced to the best of my abilities. Just WORK!
Dear left mouse button on the laptop touchpad,
You should also work! I don't know what your problem is, but because you won't work, I'm forced to use a chewed on mouse. When I click you, just open the damn program and I can move on with my life. But nooooooo. The scroll button doesn't work either, but the right mouse button is just fine. I hate you all, but not as much as I hate customer service at Gateway so you can stay broken until the end of time for all I care.
No love for you either,